MotherForty!!!

Well, here it is... FORTY! Coming upon me like a lion going in for the kill and me, the little gazelle that has tried outrunning it and failed miserably. I realize this description is a bit dramatic since I'm not dead or anything - just closer to it. Ha! Or as my husband likes to tell me, "Turning 40 is better than the alternative." Yeah, I guess... since those are my only choices - death and getting older. Well, duh... but that doesn't mean that I'm going to accept everything that is coming with it. I've been thinking about the pros and cons to aging and I have to say, so far the cons are gaining on the pros. I had some really great pros too! Pros: 1. I have a very low tolerance of bullshit now and this frees up a lot of spare time. 2. Ummmmm, ok maybe one good pro, but it IS a good one. It's interesting how much I love this attribute in my (cough, cough) dare I say, middle age? Holy crap! Another 40 years and I'm 80! (FAINT) Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, my bs detector. It works really well and I love it. I love that I can determine fairly easily whether or not I want to continue investing myself in someone, make no apologies and move on. In my 20's I was so naive and willing to bend over backwards people pleasing myself to death. I really do like that I don't do this anymore. As far as the cons go, oh my stars... Where do I begin? Cons: 1. More gray hair. It's getting ridiculous, even my freaking eyebrows and eyelashes. I'm not kidding. What is this? I had no idea that happens. I guess I know why I've seen women with shaved eyebrows and penciled in surprised looks on their faces. Which is absolutely worse, no way am I shaving my eyebrows. 2. Weight gain. Seriously, I used to think this was a lie women told because they got lazy but I still exercise and I eat better than I did in my 20's and my ass is just getting larger. In my 20's I was pretty hot and now I'm just getting pretty fat. I realize I need to kick it in turbo mode and I struggle with this because it's not just me anymore. I have a husband and kids and they come 1st. I used to despise Oprah for having shows where it would show women saying, "Put yourself 1st!" "Take care of yourself 1st!" Whatever, that is such bs. (Told ya it worked.) What wife and mom goes to the gym before she takes care of dinner or homework? A selfish biatch that's who. Yeah, I said it. But, seriously? I can just see me telling Matt to fend for himself because I have to go to the gym and get my nails done. That would go over well. I'm not saying that I'm just letting myself go. I've gotten myself out of bed at the buttcrack of dawn to run and then I'm so exhausted later that Matt wishes I would leave when he got home because I was just so pleasant to be around. Reality is a bitch and there's just not enough time in a day. Let's just end this one with "It's a work in progress." 3. Miscellaneous hair. Yeah, this is a fun one. When I was little, my grandma had this funhouse mirror on a stand and we would make funny faces in it and laugh because it magnified our faces into ginormity. I wondered what the purpose of this mirror was, other than sheer comic fun times for my sisters and I. Now I know. SO, one day not long ago, I notice a long weird hair sprouting from my chin and it's black. I immediately got the tweezers and yanked that puppy out. Thought to myself, that was weird. About 2 weeks later it reappears out of nowhere. NOWHERE! Like I swallowed a magic bean that sprouts a giant beanstalk hair, only there is no good purpose for it. Someone could have climbed it but there would have been no magic hen laying golden eggs at the top. Found one coming out of my damn neck not too long ago. 4. Hormone shift. What do you get when a woman starts losing her estrogen besides facial hair and weight gain? A crazy psychotic moody freak that's what. Matt is LOVING this one. I have one really good happy week in a month. Two weeks that lead up to the one week in which I should probably be restrained like a werewolf or Dr. Jekyll. I don't know who she is but she is one scary bitch. All I can say is I'm sorry if I offend anyone during this time. I usually try to stay away from people as much as possible but oh, my poor husband and kids. I do a pretty good job of maintaining my dignity in all honesty. Like a full moon coming on I can feel it and try my best to reign in the emotions that are all over the place. There's a learning curve, right? Well, I could probably think of a few more in the way of vanity but I've already shared plenty. I'm thinking I want to trade in my bs detector for my old "young" grayless, skinny, weird hair-less, saner self. That's my vanity talking. I know there are so many things in my life to appreciate. I'm just being honest though, my blog is titled "Little Miss Not-So Perfect" and I'm not. My strength is admitting my weaknesses and laughing about it as much as possible. I love my life and my family and I'm so blessed to turn 40 with all of it's ugly weirdness. I'm not going to pretend that it's the best thing that's ever happened but aging is the only alternative to death and I'm not ready to leave this crazy world just yet. I'm having too much fun making fun of it all. Happy 40th to me!!!

Little Miss Scatterbrain

I used to be one of the most responsible people of all. Someone that when asked to participate or get something done, would be the 1st to volunteer and get it done. However, I also used to be pretty exhausted because I had a horrible time of saying no. I don't really have that problem anymore but I have noticed that with my new found ability to have boundaries, I have a new found flakiness that I don't enjoy either. There has to be some sort of balance somewhere and I'm determined to find it. I still want to be the kind of person that people can rely on but without the dependence it creates. (Is that wrong?) The past couple of years I have successfully turned into a Little Miss Scatterbrain. I HAVE to keep a calendar, a list and a list of calendars. I guess this blog post should be considered an apology to any of you who feel like I'm just a big 'ol flake. I used to have my shiz together, really! I could totally blame it on a series of things- KIDS, antidepressants, the heat, the cold, the weather in general, my husband(It's all his fault!), KIDS, etc and so forth. Truthfully, I really don't know why I've become so loosy-goosy in my brain. I HATE when I have to tell someone I forgot to do something or better yet, when I remember and end up hauling balls to accomplish whatever it is the day before. Geez, it sounds just like that time in highschool most of the time in highschool when I would sit in 1st hr. working to finish the homework from the night before. Oooh, it's just so "full circle" of me. So, while I still refuse to say yes to everything, I have to improve this here brain of mine. I want to be a little more responsible. I don't miss the "old" way of doing things - at all, however this new me is just as exhausting. My house is a mess, nothing is nearly as organized as it once was, I feel like I'm constantly playing "catch up" and as far as the outside world goes, when someone needs something from me I almost panic. This is my confession and my apology. The 1st step is acknowledgement, I may have to take baby steps... to be continued.

Rewriting "The Little Red Hen"

I normally dislke sharing my "political" opinion. I normally loathe confronting these types of issues in a public way because I don't want to offend anyone and risk losing friends over differing beliefs. However, I am offended. I am offended because I see people in our government rewriting certain principals that were taught to me at a very young age. I'm a mom now and I see a very different America forming and it scares me for my boys. I'm trying to teach them that if you work hard, you can be successful. I tell them that the sky is the limit. Should I also be telling them that if you work hard, become successful and reach for the stars that if they're lucky the goverment will demonize them and make them pay for everyone else's lives as well? The story of The Little Red Hen is what came to mind as I watch people use the word "rich" like it's an evil. The Little Red Hen asked several of her farm friends to help her plant the seed, harvest the wheat, and grind it into flour to make the bread. All of her friends declined - "Not I", they said, but when it came time to eat the bread they all wanted a piece... and The Little Red Hen politely responded,"Everyone who helped can eat the bread." Guess what? They didn't get a piece of bread because why? They didn't HELP her work for it. The moral of this story is one we ALL grew up with: If you don't work hard for something, then you don't reap the benefits. Pretty simple. So why are some in this country rewriting this classic story? I truly don't understand. I mean can't we all agree on this very simple principal? It baffles my mind and makes me angry. One argument is that there are certain groups that really need help. They can't work because of a disability or they have mental illness and addictions, etc. I am not without COMPASSION! I will help anyone I can. I also believe that there are "rich" people who share their wealth with charities or volunteer in soup kitchens and that is generally ignored in the press. The problem is that while there are deserving people who need help and would rather be able to work, there are also people that are perfectly capable who sit on their butts and collect welfare. I PERSONALLY know this to be true. BELIEVE it! Before I am ridiculed for my opinion (which is right by the way), think about this simple story that was read to us as children. For those that believe government is the answer, you have to realize that the money that goes towards making it run in the 1st place comes from the private citizens of this country who work hard to be successful in their lives. What is the point in turning their success into something ugly? I don't get it, it's completely ass-backward thinking. I am not "rich" by any stretch, in this economy our family is lucky to be holding onto the middle class side of things. I am proud of my husband who works hard everyday to support our family. We believe in helping others who can't help themselves, we believe that we give from our hearts and not because some bureaucrat tells us it's in our best interest. We tell our kids that if they work hard anything is possible. I want that to be true. I don't want them to feel guilty when they have success. I want them to be proud of their accomplishments and hopefully they will have it even better than we do. It's the American Dream - right?

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS... Ok, maybe not THE champions but it sure does feel like we have won some kind of title or should get a trophy or SOMETHING. I also use the term "we" as if I had anything at all to do with the outcome, but even if just a smidgen of all my encouragement and motherly support had an effect - I'll take that credit. I could be referring to a major game with some sort of very important results because of our glorious win - but I'm not. I'm referring to a Little League Baseball Game (age 7 no less), a tournament game that in all actuality we will have to play (the team we beat) again tomorrow night. Why then am I so excited, excited enough to blog about it? This dadgum team that we BEAT THE PANTS OFF OF beat, hasn't lost one single game in 2 years. The coaches are also hard-nosed sticklers to the core and will make a mountain out of a molehill over ANY discrepancy. They are our ARCH RIVALS, our NEMESIS and have been a thorn in our side for 2 YEARS! I learned something about myself when the Ump said the magic phrase "BALL GAME" and we were squeaking past them. - I'm not a graceful or gracious winner at times. This was one of those times. My good friend and I jumped out of our seats and literally screamed, jumped up and down and hugged each other several times. I lost my cool completely and also ignored the other kids that just lost for the 1st time in 2 years. Do I feel bad? - Hell no. Those little suckers can get over it just like our kids had to do EVERY TIME WE PLAYED. How do ya like us now? Suck it up! There's no crying in baseball! Ok, sorry I got lost in our victory again. TEE HEE! Told ya I wasn't graceful. It's pretty terrible that I'm gloating, but I don't care. Our kids Us parents have wanted this so bad and they we deserved this win. Our boys We just can't hold it in when it's been so long coming and have looked forward to this day since the 1st time we got our tails handed to us by them. (Not to mention every team in our league who has had the pleasure of losing to them as well.) We are ROCKSTARS in our little baseball community, even if for just a day and that means so much to our boys us parents. I know that everyone is supposed to be politically correct and I should be a gracious winner and think of the other boys and how bad they must feel because they lost. I do feel sorry for the kids whose parents will unfortunately take the loss out on them and I truly hope that isn't the case. Sports in our community is taken pretty seriously and I've always been of the mindset that at this age I just want my kids to have fun and that is what matters most. But damn y'all, it feel good to WIN.

I have the blues. The "Facebook Blues". I can't seem to shake them either. When I first learned of Facebook, it changed my life, I LOVED it! I could get in touch with people I haven't seen or talked to in YEARS. It was so much fun! Being the social butterfly that I am - it was the perfect solution. I could see old friends faces and their families. I kept up with family that I don't see often and see pictures of their kids and visa-versa. It really was a good thing... but every good thing must come to an end or at least a stalemate. I started noticing a trend happening. I was trying to keep up with everyone's lives online most of the day when my own was being put on hold and eventually nothing was getting done. I also noticed that I would feel jealous of others and their seemingly perfect lives. I would read a post that would say something like, "Made cupcakes with all 3 kids today for our church's bake-sale. It was such a fun time to spend with my children." (Complete this with a picture on "Instagram" of 3 bright-eyed happy kids with cupcake batter on their smiling faces.) Then I look around at my messy house with 4 piles of laundry and 2 fighting boys, and I still haven't even thought about what to do for dinner much less a perfect little church bake-sale. I took some time off to try and perfect my own life. HA! After realizing this was never going to happen I just started posting my own crazy little realities. What really happens in my house on a daily basis. I started having fun again and my family and friends liked my nutty stories. Then I noticed that I felt bad if someone "liked" my story or commented on it and I didn't keep up or do the same for them. So, I tried then to keep up with everyone's posts and comment or at least "like" them. EXHAUSTION! I can't do it! I love everyone and I couldn't keep up without once again wasting my life on Facebook. Another thing, it is so awkward when you actually see someone you're friends with on Facebook and they expect you to know what they're talking about because they had already posted it on their status. Well, what if you really do want to know what they're up to but because you have a friend who posts pictures and random quotes they find online all day and you missed it. What then? Does this make me a bad Facebook friend? There are several things on Facebook I won't pretend to understand and while I'm not the picture of perfect facebooking myself, I still have my opinions on a few of what have become my social media pet peeves. For instance, if you're going to post pictures of food at least include a recipe. This is only fair. Yes it looks good and you didn't invite me over to have any, you're just rubbing my nose in it that I'm not getting to eat it. Same thing goes with restaurant food photos, name of the restaurant please and the item you ordered should also be included. And, what is it with married couples or any couples for that matter literally having conversations via Facebook? Professing your love for each other in a follow up comment on a post: how romantic. We get it, you love each other so get a room or how about get off the computer/phone and opt for some actual physical contact via the privacy of your own bedroom. Also, why is it when people are sick they post about how bad they feel? Here's a novel idea: get off Facebook, take some medicine and go to bed. Furthermore, this "checking in" stuff. What is up with everyone wanting everyone to know where they are? Not at home? Now I can rob your house. Nice. So many things to question and there are so many things I've done that get on my own nerves. Playing games and wasting so much of my time for NOTHING. Seriously, how is Family Feud on Facebook going to help me clean my house? I haven't done this one in a long time (probably because I did them all) but I would take these quizzes that told me something about myself. Such as a "What Your Favorite Color Says About You." What the hell was wrong with me? I would literally feel down if the answer came back with a negative depiction of my character... because of my favorite color? I obviously have issues, which is why I'm not on Facebook as much anymore. People like me (with issues) should use social media outlets with care. I have a flimsy self-image, (which I'm working on) and a need to make people happy. (Which, I've almost mastered the notion that I can't please everyone but making people smile still makes my day.) The combination of those two things can sometimes riddle me with anxiety. In wrapping up my Facebook soap box rant, I'll just say that there are many good things about Facebook and I miss certain things about it. For the most part, however, I've kept my house up better, done more laundry, spent more time with my kids and husband and worried less that my sarcasm didn't translate well on a follow up comment I made on someone's status update. I doubt anyone cares about my "Blues" but just in case I can make someone smile with my observations, I may just have to hit the "share" button and post this to Facebook. Ha, the irony!

Road Trip!

I love road trips. Good thing because we have a long one coming up this weekend. Many people prefer to fly because it's faster. This is a fact but I'm not a good flyer. I know that it's the safest form of travel and blahdi, blahdi, blah... BUT I feel much safer on the ground and away from strange people and their odors. I much prefer my own family's odors, as offensive as they might become at times. (I can roll down the window, which is much more difficult in an airplane.) I can stop at a seemingly clean convenience store and use the restroom and partake of a tasty cold beverage. In an airplane you get to squeeze yourself into a minuscule toilet room and pray to heaven that some one's irritable bowel syndrome didn't act up right before you go in.

However, road trip's in all their individually convenient glory do have their drawbacks. Yet, I am totally preparing myself so there are relatively little surprises down the road. (So to speak.)

I am well aware that even though my boys get along most of the time and are generally good kids that I will lose my temper with them because someone is being touched or not answering the other one when being talked to. I will likely yell at them a few times and threaten to pull the car over to beat them. They will probably get on my nerves singing songs that make no sense over and over which will prompt me to turn up the radio to distract them.
My husband and I actually do very well on road trips together but I imagine there will be a moment when his driving will send me over the edge and my nagging will make him want to drive me over it.
Then as I said before, there are the smells. Smells that only come from being in a car with 2 kids for 16 hours. The 3 f's - Food, Feet and Funk. Feet and funk are separate categories because you can identify feet smell but the funk is mysterious. It's just there, say a mixture of all odors accumulated and saturated into the fibers of the car's interior.

All of these things I am preparing myself for and strangely enough, looking forward to. There will be a time when the kids are grown and these road trips will be distant memories. They will have their own kids and road trips and smells one day. I am choosing to enjoy every minute of time with my family. So, why would I want a "faster" form of travel. Time goes by fast enough as it is.

Sized Up

Ran into an old "friend" today after having lunch at Holden's school. The reason for the quotes is because she really was a friend of mine many years ago but not so much anymore. She is perfectly nice, don't get me wrong. We just hang in different circles- her circle makes quite a bit more money than my circle. Her circle is president of the PTA and etc. of the PTA, my circle volunteers on field trips. Her circle lunches and shops, my circle goes to Wal-Mart and eats frozen diet dinners. But all of this is just life and it's absolutely fine with me. Although I wouldn't mind a glass of Riesling while munching on a salad with breadsticks once in a while, but I digress...

What I thought was funny about our running into each other was the falseness of the conversation and how the whole time she was looking at my clothes. I would've loved to have walked her down memory lane and reminded her of the time she fell off her bicycle when we went riding with our then boyfriends but she may have blocked that one out. (It was hilarious. - Sorry.) I think it's funny how women are with each other. Immediately sizing up the other woman while trying to find something that makes us feel better about who we are. Must be why I've always had way more guy friends than women friends. Guys usually tell it like it is and who cares if it happens to hurt your feelings, but women usually tell you everything is ok then tell the truth to someone else behind your back who then comes back and tells you what they said, which still hurts your feelings and leaves you feeling betrayed all at the same time. Lovely of us females. I have a rule, I will not say anything about anyone behind their back unless I'm willing to say it right to their face. It's a good rule and keeps me out of trouble. Another good rule is one that our mothers told us and should probably be reinstated as a rule for our own kids: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. I mean really, why do we have to be so ridiculous as women? We're all in the same boat and should support each other. I'll bet we all go through the exact same things in our daily lives and have way more in common than we realize. Even the wealthier circles of women who yes, frankly I would like to slap and say do you REALLY need another Coach handbag to match your shoes? But hey, whatever blows their hair back. It's not for me to judge them, just like it wasn't her place to look me over in my sweatsuit outfit that MATCHED and I did have on make-up thank you very much. See what we do to ourselves, geez!

Crossing The Finish Line

So, I have a crazy amount of things I've left unfinished. I start something, go all in, gung ho and guns blazing... then for reasons that are only related to fear, I give up. What?! But Michele, you're a Christian! What is the problem and why can't you trust God? I guess you just don't have enough faith.
"Oh, the pressure of being a Christian!" (In Kat's voice from Pretty Woman.)

So, being a Christian means you should never have doubts, God is on our side and if we have enough faith we should be able to overcome anything. OK, yes, this is true and if we lived in a perfect world then perhaps I could put this into practice on a much more regular basis. But since we're all screwed up because of life's experiences it is much more difficult to just hop, skip and jump over our fears.

I picture running a race. (The idea I get for a project.) I think of the preparation that comes before I enter the race.(The research I do.) The gun going off as I sprint off the start. (Buying supplies and beginning the project.) The adrenaline pumping as I get past the 1st mile marker.(Gaining confidence since people keep telling me what a great job I'm doing.) The slowing down a little as your breath becomes more shallow. (Doubts creeping in.) The cramps in my legs and feet.(More intense doubting.) The tunnel vision as it seems the finish line was extended by miles and I run out of breath and fall down. (The doubts in my capabilities win out and I give up.)

I'm learning that I have so many fears that keep me from finishing the race and I'm working on overcoming the voices in my head that tell me I'm not good enough. I know it's not true and one day I will really believe it.

Being a Christian doesn't make me bullet proof. What is does make me is dependant on God. When I fall, I know He is there to pick me up. I have so much to work on but life is a journey, a journey I choose to go on with tons of help from HIM.

I will cross that finish line someday... To be continued.

One Eyed, One Horned, Flying Purple People Pleaser

OK, that's NOT how the song goes. HOWEVER, it IS a monster. The People Pleasing Monster can take over when you least expect it. You think you're just doing the right thing by being helpful and passive. You're just an easy going gal and it feels so good when you say yes to people and they know they can depend on you. Then, CHOMP, CHOMP, GULP! The monster just ate you all up and now there is nothing left of you!

So, how do you get the monster to spit you out and restore the person God created you to be? (Nice analogy, huh?) Well, you have to start by asking yourself why you say yes to everything. Do you do it so others will like you or because you genuinely want to fill up your spare time by helping out? Do you say yes because saying no just seems so mean and you can't bear to hurt some one's feelings? Hmmmm. All of those? First, let me say that we are supposed to help others, absolutely. God wants us to be giving and helpful. But, there is a difference in doing what God created us to do and doing something because it somehow makes US feel better, less guilty or gives us a false sense of being. The People Pleasing Monster feeds off of our guilt and soon instead of being a thoughtful and dependable friend, we are the martyr. The one that ALWAYS ends up doing it all because NO ONE else cares like we do. THAT, is the false sense of being that God does not want from us.
Get rid of your guilt, God doesn't want you burnt out, dried up and angry. He wants you well rested, filled up and happy. So guess what? You get to say NO!

I myself have been eaten up by the People Pleasing Monster and have felt so empty and tired. I want to be able to WANT to help and so before I say anything to anyone, I make sure to tell them I need to get back to them but I will as soon as I can. I then check my calendar and if I'm busy on the very day of the favor, then I know the answer without a doubt. If I'm not busy that day but have 10 things happening before and after I literally go to God and if I have peace about it and know it's for Him and not out of some sort of guilt on my part then I happily agree to it. If I'm exhausted and just have that feeling of not wanting someone to be mad, I say NO. God enjoys a happy giver, not a reluctant giver. I always thought that meant money in the offering plate but it also has to be about giving of ourselves.
It may seem confusing but it will free you and it will free you to be a true giver. I used to want credit from others and want to be recognized for my hard work. If someone forgot to say thank you, I was genuinely offended. I mean, excuse me? I just went out of my way for you, punk! Ah, now I have the chip off my shoulder because I say no when it's right to say no and if I say yes, it is to honor God - NOT ME!
Recently, I helped out with my church through what is called Project Reach. Our church has begun reaching out to the community and truly giving time, food, fun, etc to those that are less fortunate. The event was a party for the under-privileged children that go to the school we do church in. They don't get opportunities to go to Chuck E Cheese or Incredible Pizza, etc. I face-painted kids faces, hands and arms for 2 hours and had a blast! This morning the pastor said that he thought it was awesome that we "gave up" part of our Saturday to help those kids have a party. What came to my mind was how I didn't feel like I gave anything up at all. This HAS to be what it feels like to give for God and not ourselves - not a sacrifice.
Not when you know what He sacrificed for us.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anything like the people pleaser I once was but that stupid monster tries to sneak up on me still. Maybe I should get some pepper spray as well, just in case.

Gettin' Dunked

He is perfect to me. The "Comedian", The Honor Roll Student,The One Who Likes to Talk (and makes me crazy at times.) The Big Brother (who pushes all the right buttons on his little brother.) The One Who Makes Me Laugh in spite of myself. He is sweet and smart and respectful, but above all these things - He wants to follow Christ and be baptized. He's been asking about it for a while but we wanted to make sure he understood that it means he is choosing Jesus and not just being dunked under water.
Easter Sunday is the big day. Matt and I were both coincidentally baptized on Easter so it's extra special.

There are things in my life I've done and decisions I've made that I'm not proud of, BUT having my children isn't one of them. I am so proud of both of my boys and couldn't be happier that Logan is choosing Jesus.

These moments in life come as such a surprise to me. When Matt and I decided to have a baby, that's exactly all I thought about - a baby. Not that he would grow up, go through different phases, have problems of his own and feelings of his own. Navigating my way through certain lessons that come with growing up has had me wanting to run scared, if I'm being honest. It grips you when you're not expecting it. A simple look or comment can throw my mind into thoughts that I just don't know if I have what it takes to turn this child into a real grown person.

When Logan was ready to do this, I immediately thought of the baby I gave birth to and how I felt in that hospital room, how scared I was that I was responsible for another human life. I know I don't do everything right as a parent but if I can instill a strong faith and love for God in their hearts, then I've done the most important thing of all.

Sick of...

I'm sick of politics. I'm sick of technology. I'm sick of watching people rush around and not take time for each other. I'm sick of watching children act up and parents not teaching their kids respect and basic manners. I'm sick of complainers that don't do anything to change their circumstances. Most of all, I'm sick of feeling all these things and not saying anything about it. So I did.

Politics: Doesn't solve the problems.
Technology: Can be great but is used too often and strips us from quality time with each other.
Rushing Around: Why are we in such a hurry? Are we that fond of death? Take a chill pill people!
Disrespectful Children and Lazy Parents: You are raising the people who will be in charge one day. Maybe they should learn a simple "please" and "thank you".
Complainers: It's one thing to go through a very difficult time and vent but if you are constantly in a bind of some kind you really need to ask yourself what the common denominator is. Make better choices and use all the energy used to complain, to pray.

Anyone else? Leave a comment and tell me what you're sick of. :-)

God Wins

God Wins. Two small words that carry so much power. Today in church this is what our pastor spoke, those two little, GIANT words. People are hurting so much these days. I see it everywhere. I've been there and no doubt there will be another time when I need to remember that God Wins. When we are in the pit, it feels like no one hears us, even God. There are people in my family that need to hear those words, there are friends that need to hear those words and there are neighbors, and all kinds of people walking around feeling empty and looking for so many things to fill their voids, and they look every place but to the one being that always WINS. Why is that? Well, maybe because when we are far from God, He doesn't seem tangible. I know when I was in the pit, I gave up because I felt like He wasn't paying attention to me any way. Why would all these bad feelings keep stirring up if He was there for me? So instead of pressing towards God, I pushed Him even farther away. I didn't want to hear anyone tell me that I needed to look on the bright side or that God was in control. It takes some of us to get to the bottom of our empty fillers to begin to pray again because we don't have any other option. And all along He was the only option and it is in this that if we really open our eyes, we can see the purpose.

Not long ago, I lost someone very close to me to cancer. She was such a special lady and gave everything she had to God. She devoted her life to a ministry and loved helping people. When she passed, I fell into a pit and really felt like I could have done more for her. I wish I could say I'm over that feeling but I'm not there yet. What I didn't know at the time is that because of that experience I would be used for God's purpose in someone else's life.

The other day, I received a text from my pastor about a girl in our church who was losing her mother. He asked me to call her. When I began the phone call, I had no idea what I would say or if I could offer any kind of comfort for her. When we started talking I could hear God say "Just pray for her" - so I did. I also told her that I couldn't understand what it would be like to lose your mom but that I had lost someone close to me and could only imagine how she felt. She opened up to me some more. I later learned that she had lost her father some years back and didn't have a church family to comfort her and had turned to drugs and alcohol. I have never felt such an anointing on my spirit and I began to cry without control over it. It was during that feeling that I understood a small part of what God wants to me to do. It's what I think we all are supposed to do - Use our experiences to help others get through the hard times in life. I don't know what that looks like for everyone and every situation is different. I know that coming out of my last time in the pit, I knew that I wanted to help others out or help keep them from going in. I hope I always say yes when the opportunity arises because that was the most amazing feeling ever!

OverwHELLmed

Life is a journey and some days the journey is glorious but some days the journey has you going through the pit of hell and you just feel overwhelmed.
I decided to write this blog because I had this feeling that could have only come from God, that people (especially women and even more so moms) have the disease to please and a need to show people that they have it all together. Well, this is exhausting when life can be exhausting enough all by itself without trying to prove something. I have to be honest with everything as I write so that I can honor God as I intended in doing this. Keeping it real (as I often say) which means showing off the good, bad and ugly.
I have opened up my thoughts and aspects of my life to show others that we are not always what we seem.
These are my myths:
I keep my home so clean and organized everyday. I never struggle to stay on a schedule. I never worry about the kids getting their homework done and having enough time for baseball or karate. My kids are always well behaved and I never raise my voice or freak out. I fix dinner every night and we always eat at the table as a family. The kids are always in bed by 8:30 and we read every night. I never fight with my husband. I could go on and on I'm sure. I will say that I strive to do right by my family but our life is not picture perfect.
Right now I am struggling with a new schedule that consists of working again a couple of days a week (YEA!), baseball which was added for Holden and has thrown a wrench into Logan's karate practice days. He was Tues. and Thurs. and now is Mon. and Wed. (Now I have something almost every night - I do NOT know how people do it that have their kids in more than one activity or have multiple kids in activities!) Matt is almost finished with tax time - YES! So I know this is temporary, but in this crazy moment I want to share pictures of what my house looks like these days. Enjoy!

I Do Believe I Was Just "Humored"!

You know how you're going along, being yourself and never thinking you could ever be a nuisance to anyone? No? Well then, pay attention to people because chances are someone has humored you. And I don't mean made you laugh, I mean tolerated a moment with you. One of my favorite shows of all time is Seinfeld. There is an episode where Jerry's mom can't believe that someone doesn't like Jerry and Jerry really can't believe it either. That is how I feel most of the time, like who couldn't like me? I'm funny, silly, happy (most of the time - at least as far as you know) and just an all around neat gal (if I do say so myself). Who knew that there are people out there who could care less?
Well, this realization happened to me the other day when I was chatting it up with someone and she just starts backing away and giving me that polite smile with the added "chuckle", and there I was thinking I'm so funny and charming. It was nothing I noticed right away. Things like this are subtle and oh-so nonchalant. But, come on - we've all been there. Someone starts talking to you and you're busy and really don't have time to chat, so you "humor" them for a sec while politely backing away until they get the hint. (Because you're too wimpy to just say - I'm busy, I can talk more later.) Well, I got the hint now you back-a-wayer!
To be fair, it may not be that I'm not liked, (although it's a definite possibility- who knows?) perhaps they just don't have time to hear me rattle on and on. Either way, now that I think about it, I'm fine with it - I am who I am. ( Got that piece of wisdom from Popeye.) Really though, I may not be everyone's cup of tea but that's OK with me.

Romans 8:31 - What then, shall we say in response to this? IF GOD IS FOR US, WHO CAN BE AGAINST US?

Take that whoever you are that doesn't like me past, present or future! (Although, I just can't imagine it!) :-)

Life is a Highway?

"Life is a highway... I want to ride it all night long." sings Rascal Flatts on the car radio. Holden loves this song and wants me to turn it up every time. I like this song too but let's face it - it's a load of bull.

My version: "Life is a highway... and then you take the wrong exit, drive down a scary street and have to lock all your doors, then you end up on some gravel road because you're night blind and you hit a few pot holes, so now you have a flat tire and have to call AAA... lalalalalala."

It's true but it's not as catchy.

My life has been a series of my version of that song. You're going along in life and you have to make a decision and sometimes you make the wrong one so it can get pretty scary, you then take measures to protect yourself but because you don't have the right tools, you end up worse off then ever. Now you find yourself stuck and finally you call on God.

I don't know how many times I've done this. You would think that after a few (quite a few) wrong exits or flat tires, I would learn to just keep God right there in the driver's seat while I enjoy the ride in the passenger's seat. I'm getting a little smarter, I have a membership with God's services and carry my card every day. It says:
"I sent My SON to die on a cross for you. I think I can handle this: call on ME."

Hey, does that mean Carrie Underwood is way smarter than Rascal Flatts? She sings "Jesus Take the Wheel." (I'm so clever.)

Hiding Places

MOM! MOM! MOM! MOOOOOOOM! One little word that said over and over again will lead me to need a hiding place. I have one too... my closet. It's a nice size but also cozy. It's located in my master bathroom and I can lock that door. I love being a wife and mother but there are those days when I feel like I can't take a breath. The daily routines in life can sometimes overwhelm me and I need just a few minutes of solace with God to calm me down so I can focus on what's important. I used to feel guilty about this but not anymore. It sounds strange and probably looks even stranger that a grown woman sits in her bedroom closet to get away from it all but I don't care. I've learned it's the only place in my house that "the others" won't bother me. (Probably because it is strange and they think I've lost it.) - Let them think whatever they want. It's what I call a preemptive strike so mom doesn't have to go to war.

I'm Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell's wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I'm... I'm the wart. She's my tumor. My... my growth. My... uh, my pimple.

I'm pretty vain. I don't think in an unhealthy way, just in the way that I don't want to look ugly. I enjoy my make-up, hair straightener, perfume and accessories. So, imagine my delight when in my 30's I discover adult acne. Adult CYSTIC acne. The whole phrase is ugly and when it shows up on your face, it is ugly. What makes it more difficult is the fact that I never had skin problems growing up.
So the other day I'm having breakfast with my mom and one of my sisters when I notice my mom looking at my zit. She says, "Is that a growth?" (Good lord mother, thanks.) She meant that she thought it was some sort of sun damaged mole growing on my face. Oh, lovely - that's much better. The make up I caked on it just made it look like a big GROWTH. Totally made me think of one of my favorite movies - Uncle Buck. (which is where my blog title came from) Now, as if the pulsating painful throbbing boil on my face wasn't making me self-conscious enough, now all I can think of is Uncle Buck throwing a quarter at me and telling me to "go have a rat gnaw that thing off my face."
I rushed out the other day and hunted down the ProActiv kiosk at Woodland Hills Mall. The advertisement on television looks good, Katy Perry tells how devastating her acne was to her until she discovered PROACTIV! It's $19.99 with FREE SHIPPING! But my growth is desperate and I can't wait for mail. So I get there and the kiosk girl shows me this "kit" that looks just like the one on TV... ONLY IT'S 10 TIMES SMALLER. When I mention this to her, she tells me it's actually larger than the one on TV. Huh? The one on TV is a 1 month supply and the kiosk version is a 2 month supply (and costs twice as much.) So, I leave. I'm deflated (my zit - not so much). What really chaps my growth is that someone like Katy Perry who can afford the munchkin bottles of zit zapper probably never has to pay a cent for it because she so poopular. That's ok, my cheapness paid off. I ended up finding this stuff at Walgreens's that ROCKS.

Ya know, I'm vain and will continue to be. I like looking nice - so what? I'm not unrealistic. I understand beauty fades and I strive everyday to look as nice on the inside as I do on the out. It's way more important to be beautiful on the inside anyway. This is another way God shows His sense of humor in life. If you ever depend on anything else more than Him, whether it's money, popularity or beauty, you will just feel empty inside.
Let's face it... we are all just a few years away from a hairy mole, gray hair and (thank heavens!) blurry vision. (But I wouldn't know anything about that.)

Pig House

This post is dedicated to my family of piggies.

I am employed as a stay at home mom. This means that I stay at home and keep it organized and clean and when the kids get out of school I have snacks waiting for them and we sit down and do homework and read, etc.(IN THEORY)

Don't get me wrong, I do plenty around here but as I sit and look around at my home sweet home, I can't help but think if I got paid for this that I would more than likely be fired. Which brings me to my problem - I don't get paid. This makes it easy for me to justify slacking off. I could sit here and rattle off all my excuses but the one I like best is that as soon as I get the house clean, I have destroyers running behind me and setting little bombs off all over the house. Clothes bombs, toy bombs, trash bombs, school work bombs, etc. This is valid, a valid reason why I am no longer a good housekeeper. Why bother when it will only get wrecked again?

Well, I suppose if for no other reason, than for my sanity. I really need to get my rear in gear and start my "Spring Cleaning". (When you say it like that - "Spring Cleaning", it sounds so refreshing. Like I could enjoy a nice glass of lemonade while I sort through things and tidy it all up. So housewifey of me.)

It's also hard to keep up with important papers from the boys' school. Got a phone call today from the cafeteria lady. She said, "Ms. Cornwell, are you aware that Holden owes $8.50 for school lunches?" Well, no, er uh, I - SO EMBARRASSING! And this is what prompted me to reflect on my piggy ways.
Phone calls from THE CAFETERIA LADY? OK, OK, I hear you God!
1 Corinthians 14:33
For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. As in all the churches of the saints,

Taking a Dip in the Shallow End

What a week I've had! Time for my shallow moments of the week rundown. Ok, so Logan has been sick with some sort of stomach virus for what has seemed like an eternity (4days). Hey! 4 days is an eternity with a sick kid staying home from school with the knowledge of the mountain of homework he will have to make up. Which brings me to my 1st shallow moment of the week: I'm worried for myself that I can be strong enough to encourage him to get through it AND help him with it if needed. Yes, I wasn't concerned for my child, that HE would have to endure the homework beast - but for myself. SHALLOW! Shallow moment numero dos: I had made a hair appointment for Friday thinking that surely Logan would be feeling better by then. So, imagine my shallow disappointment when he still had a fever the night before and I had to cancel my precious beauty time. I mean REALLY! Some chicks just can't catch a break. Oh how I am so ashamed of this shallow moment. My poor baby had a fever and I'm worried about my hair. Oh so very shallow indeed! You would think after that one that maybe I wouldn't be so tempted to wade my way back into the shallow end but alas, you would be wrong. Because my 3rd shallow moment would have to be getting extremely irritated about not getting to go on a date Saturday night and how this affects only me. Yes, not that my husband might enjoy some time out as well but only I, as an insignificant and neglected wife knows what it feels like to have hopes and plans dashed away. And finally, (though I think I'm giving myself too much credit but for the sake of finally ending this confession) my shallow moment #4: before church this morning (yes, church) I almost had a real live temper tantrum over my wardrobe, or lack thereof. It is really not a cliche that as a mom, you really don't get to go shopping and get to buy new duds to wear on ANY SORT OF BASIS, regular or otherwise. I think I have 5 shirts, 5 of which I've had for probably 5 years. So, yes... I almost threw a hissy fit this morning. I say almost only because I've realized from throwing past hissy fits that it doesn't do any good. I will still have the same 5 shirts and then I will have wasted the time I need to put on my old makeup some of which I've had for AWHILE.
Well, have I enjoyed my time in the shallow end? Yeah, a little bit - it's given me the opportunity to feel sorry for myself and that's very important in order to grow into a better person. If I never had these moments, I wouldn't recognize the self-centeredness that should be corrected. So, it's like job security for my soul.
And as I have said many times in my life: Thank you God for GRACE!

Pollyanna

Well, I try, I really do. It would be nice to have a sunny outlook on every single aspect of life. Life is such a blessing! Everyday is a gift and I am so grateful for everything and everyday God gives me. It would be nice to be able to keep up this attitude and never, ever feel sorry for myself or get tired of just stuff happening. Yes, it would be nice BUT HOW? I am looking at the tragedy in Japan and the wars being fought and I think to myself: "I have it amazingly good!" (And this is true) Then there are days like today when it seems like I just keep tripping on my own feet. I used to have this friend and we would say that our day just wasn't flowing. I suppose it's ok once in a while to have off days but what I'm trying to do is really keep things in perspective and I am trying, I really am. Within just the last few days, Matt's AND my car has ended up in the shop and it's never anything simple. But then I hear that little Pollyanna voice in my head say, "At least you have a car to fix." (I really want to slap that girl sometimes.) But she's right and I can't help but think of all those people that are losing their lives and families, and all of their belongings in these natural disasters or the men and women who sacrifice so much for my freedom. So, I'll try and keep all of this in mind when I'm extremely annoyed over the "little" things. I will, I really will.