Road Trip!

I love road trips. Good thing because we have a long one coming up this weekend. Many people prefer to fly because it's faster. This is a fact but I'm not a good flyer. I know that it's the safest form of travel and blahdi, blahdi, blah... BUT I feel much safer on the ground and away from strange people and their odors. I much prefer my own family's odors, as offensive as they might become at times. (I can roll down the window, which is much more difficult in an airplane.) I can stop at a seemingly clean convenience store and use the restroom and partake of a tasty cold beverage. In an airplane you get to squeeze yourself into a minuscule toilet room and pray to heaven that some one's irritable bowel syndrome didn't act up right before you go in.

However, road trip's in all their individually convenient glory do have their drawbacks. Yet, I am totally preparing myself so there are relatively little surprises down the road. (So to speak.)

I am well aware that even though my boys get along most of the time and are generally good kids that I will lose my temper with them because someone is being touched or not answering the other one when being talked to. I will likely yell at them a few times and threaten to pull the car over to beat them. They will probably get on my nerves singing songs that make no sense over and over which will prompt me to turn up the radio to distract them.
My husband and I actually do very well on road trips together but I imagine there will be a moment when his driving will send me over the edge and my nagging will make him want to drive me over it.
Then as I said before, there are the smells. Smells that only come from being in a car with 2 kids for 16 hours. The 3 f's - Food, Feet and Funk. Feet and funk are separate categories because you can identify feet smell but the funk is mysterious. It's just there, say a mixture of all odors accumulated and saturated into the fibers of the car's interior.

All of these things I am preparing myself for and strangely enough, looking forward to. There will be a time when the kids are grown and these road trips will be distant memories. They will have their own kids and road trips and smells one day. I am choosing to enjoy every minute of time with my family. So, why would I want a "faster" form of travel. Time goes by fast enough as it is.

Sized Up

Ran into an old "friend" today after having lunch at Holden's school. The reason for the quotes is because she really was a friend of mine many years ago but not so much anymore. She is perfectly nice, don't get me wrong. We just hang in different circles- her circle makes quite a bit more money than my circle. Her circle is president of the PTA and etc. of the PTA, my circle volunteers on field trips. Her circle lunches and shops, my circle goes to Wal-Mart and eats frozen diet dinners. But all of this is just life and it's absolutely fine with me. Although I wouldn't mind a glass of Riesling while munching on a salad with breadsticks once in a while, but I digress...

What I thought was funny about our running into each other was the falseness of the conversation and how the whole time she was looking at my clothes. I would've loved to have walked her down memory lane and reminded her of the time she fell off her bicycle when we went riding with our then boyfriends but she may have blocked that one out. (It was hilarious. - Sorry.) I think it's funny how women are with each other. Immediately sizing up the other woman while trying to find something that makes us feel better about who we are. Must be why I've always had way more guy friends than women friends. Guys usually tell it like it is and who cares if it happens to hurt your feelings, but women usually tell you everything is ok then tell the truth to someone else behind your back who then comes back and tells you what they said, which still hurts your feelings and leaves you feeling betrayed all at the same time. Lovely of us females. I have a rule, I will not say anything about anyone behind their back unless I'm willing to say it right to their face. It's a good rule and keeps me out of trouble. Another good rule is one that our mothers told us and should probably be reinstated as a rule for our own kids: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. I mean really, why do we have to be so ridiculous as women? We're all in the same boat and should support each other. I'll bet we all go through the exact same things in our daily lives and have way more in common than we realize. Even the wealthier circles of women who yes, frankly I would like to slap and say do you REALLY need another Coach handbag to match your shoes? But hey, whatever blows their hair back. It's not for me to judge them, just like it wasn't her place to look me over in my sweatsuit outfit that MATCHED and I did have on make-up thank you very much. See what we do to ourselves, geez!

Crossing The Finish Line

So, I have a crazy amount of things I've left unfinished. I start something, go all in, gung ho and guns blazing... then for reasons that are only related to fear, I give up. What?! But Michele, you're a Christian! What is the problem and why can't you trust God? I guess you just don't have enough faith.
"Oh, the pressure of being a Christian!" (In Kat's voice from Pretty Woman.)

So, being a Christian means you should never have doubts, God is on our side and if we have enough faith we should be able to overcome anything. OK, yes, this is true and if we lived in a perfect world then perhaps I could put this into practice on a much more regular basis. But since we're all screwed up because of life's experiences it is much more difficult to just hop, skip and jump over our fears.

I picture running a race. (The idea I get for a project.) I think of the preparation that comes before I enter the race.(The research I do.) The gun going off as I sprint off the start. (Buying supplies and beginning the project.) The adrenaline pumping as I get past the 1st mile marker.(Gaining confidence since people keep telling me what a great job I'm doing.) The slowing down a little as your breath becomes more shallow. (Doubts creeping in.) The cramps in my legs and feet.(More intense doubting.) The tunnel vision as it seems the finish line was extended by miles and I run out of breath and fall down. (The doubts in my capabilities win out and I give up.)

I'm learning that I have so many fears that keep me from finishing the race and I'm working on overcoming the voices in my head that tell me I'm not good enough. I know it's not true and one day I will really believe it.

Being a Christian doesn't make me bullet proof. What is does make me is dependant on God. When I fall, I know He is there to pick me up. I have so much to work on but life is a journey, a journey I choose to go on with tons of help from HIM.

I will cross that finish line someday... To be continued.

One Eyed, One Horned, Flying Purple People Pleaser

OK, that's NOT how the song goes. HOWEVER, it IS a monster. The People Pleasing Monster can take over when you least expect it. You think you're just doing the right thing by being helpful and passive. You're just an easy going gal and it feels so good when you say yes to people and they know they can depend on you. Then, CHOMP, CHOMP, GULP! The monster just ate you all up and now there is nothing left of you!

So, how do you get the monster to spit you out and restore the person God created you to be? (Nice analogy, huh?) Well, you have to start by asking yourself why you say yes to everything. Do you do it so others will like you or because you genuinely want to fill up your spare time by helping out? Do you say yes because saying no just seems so mean and you can't bear to hurt some one's feelings? Hmmmm. All of those? First, let me say that we are supposed to help others, absolutely. God wants us to be giving and helpful. But, there is a difference in doing what God created us to do and doing something because it somehow makes US feel better, less guilty or gives us a false sense of being. The People Pleasing Monster feeds off of our guilt and soon instead of being a thoughtful and dependable friend, we are the martyr. The one that ALWAYS ends up doing it all because NO ONE else cares like we do. THAT, is the false sense of being that God does not want from us.
Get rid of your guilt, God doesn't want you burnt out, dried up and angry. He wants you well rested, filled up and happy. So guess what? You get to say NO!

I myself have been eaten up by the People Pleasing Monster and have felt so empty and tired. I want to be able to WANT to help and so before I say anything to anyone, I make sure to tell them I need to get back to them but I will as soon as I can. I then check my calendar and if I'm busy on the very day of the favor, then I know the answer without a doubt. If I'm not busy that day but have 10 things happening before and after I literally go to God and if I have peace about it and know it's for Him and not out of some sort of guilt on my part then I happily agree to it. If I'm exhausted and just have that feeling of not wanting someone to be mad, I say NO. God enjoys a happy giver, not a reluctant giver. I always thought that meant money in the offering plate but it also has to be about giving of ourselves.
It may seem confusing but it will free you and it will free you to be a true giver. I used to want credit from others and want to be recognized for my hard work. If someone forgot to say thank you, I was genuinely offended. I mean, excuse me? I just went out of my way for you, punk! Ah, now I have the chip off my shoulder because I say no when it's right to say no and if I say yes, it is to honor God - NOT ME!
Recently, I helped out with my church through what is called Project Reach. Our church has begun reaching out to the community and truly giving time, food, fun, etc to those that are less fortunate. The event was a party for the under-privileged children that go to the school we do church in. They don't get opportunities to go to Chuck E Cheese or Incredible Pizza, etc. I face-painted kids faces, hands and arms for 2 hours and had a blast! This morning the pastor said that he thought it was awesome that we "gave up" part of our Saturday to help those kids have a party. What came to my mind was how I didn't feel like I gave anything up at all. This HAS to be what it feels like to give for God and not ourselves - not a sacrifice.
Not when you know what He sacrificed for us.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anything like the people pleaser I once was but that stupid monster tries to sneak up on me still. Maybe I should get some pepper spray as well, just in case.

Gettin' Dunked

He is perfect to me. The "Comedian", The Honor Roll Student,The One Who Likes to Talk (and makes me crazy at times.) The Big Brother (who pushes all the right buttons on his little brother.) The One Who Makes Me Laugh in spite of myself. He is sweet and smart and respectful, but above all these things - He wants to follow Christ and be baptized. He's been asking about it for a while but we wanted to make sure he understood that it means he is choosing Jesus and not just being dunked under water.
Easter Sunday is the big day. Matt and I were both coincidentally baptized on Easter so it's extra special.

There are things in my life I've done and decisions I've made that I'm not proud of, BUT having my children isn't one of them. I am so proud of both of my boys and couldn't be happier that Logan is choosing Jesus.

These moments in life come as such a surprise to me. When Matt and I decided to have a baby, that's exactly all I thought about - a baby. Not that he would grow up, go through different phases, have problems of his own and feelings of his own. Navigating my way through certain lessons that come with growing up has had me wanting to run scared, if I'm being honest. It grips you when you're not expecting it. A simple look or comment can throw my mind into thoughts that I just don't know if I have what it takes to turn this child into a real grown person.

When Logan was ready to do this, I immediately thought of the baby I gave birth to and how I felt in that hospital room, how scared I was that I was responsible for another human life. I know I don't do everything right as a parent but if I can instill a strong faith and love for God in their hearts, then I've done the most important thing of all.

Sick of...

I'm sick of politics. I'm sick of technology. I'm sick of watching people rush around and not take time for each other. I'm sick of watching children act up and parents not teaching their kids respect and basic manners. I'm sick of complainers that don't do anything to change their circumstances. Most of all, I'm sick of feeling all these things and not saying anything about it. So I did.

Politics: Doesn't solve the problems.
Technology: Can be great but is used too often and strips us from quality time with each other.
Rushing Around: Why are we in such a hurry? Are we that fond of death? Take a chill pill people!
Disrespectful Children and Lazy Parents: You are raising the people who will be in charge one day. Maybe they should learn a simple "please" and "thank you".
Complainers: It's one thing to go through a very difficult time and vent but if you are constantly in a bind of some kind you really need to ask yourself what the common denominator is. Make better choices and use all the energy used to complain, to pray.

Anyone else? Leave a comment and tell me what you're sick of. :-)

God Wins

God Wins. Two small words that carry so much power. Today in church this is what our pastor spoke, those two little, GIANT words. People are hurting so much these days. I see it everywhere. I've been there and no doubt there will be another time when I need to remember that God Wins. When we are in the pit, it feels like no one hears us, even God. There are people in my family that need to hear those words, there are friends that need to hear those words and there are neighbors, and all kinds of people walking around feeling empty and looking for so many things to fill their voids, and they look every place but to the one being that always WINS. Why is that? Well, maybe because when we are far from God, He doesn't seem tangible. I know when I was in the pit, I gave up because I felt like He wasn't paying attention to me any way. Why would all these bad feelings keep stirring up if He was there for me? So instead of pressing towards God, I pushed Him even farther away. I didn't want to hear anyone tell me that I needed to look on the bright side or that God was in control. It takes some of us to get to the bottom of our empty fillers to begin to pray again because we don't have any other option. And all along He was the only option and it is in this that if we really open our eyes, we can see the purpose.

Not long ago, I lost someone very close to me to cancer. She was such a special lady and gave everything she had to God. She devoted her life to a ministry and loved helping people. When she passed, I fell into a pit and really felt like I could have done more for her. I wish I could say I'm over that feeling but I'm not there yet. What I didn't know at the time is that because of that experience I would be used for God's purpose in someone else's life.

The other day, I received a text from my pastor about a girl in our church who was losing her mother. He asked me to call her. When I began the phone call, I had no idea what I would say or if I could offer any kind of comfort for her. When we started talking I could hear God say "Just pray for her" - so I did. I also told her that I couldn't understand what it would be like to lose your mom but that I had lost someone close to me and could only imagine how she felt. She opened up to me some more. I later learned that she had lost her father some years back and didn't have a church family to comfort her and had turned to drugs and alcohol. I have never felt such an anointing on my spirit and I began to cry without control over it. It was during that feeling that I understood a small part of what God wants to me to do. It's what I think we all are supposed to do - Use our experiences to help others get through the hard times in life. I don't know what that looks like for everyone and every situation is different. I know that coming out of my last time in the pit, I knew that I wanted to help others out or help keep them from going in. I hope I always say yes when the opportunity arises because that was the most amazing feeling ever!

OverwHELLmed

Life is a journey and some days the journey is glorious but some days the journey has you going through the pit of hell and you just feel overwhelmed.
I decided to write this blog because I had this feeling that could have only come from God, that people (especially women and even more so moms) have the disease to please and a need to show people that they have it all together. Well, this is exhausting when life can be exhausting enough all by itself without trying to prove something. I have to be honest with everything as I write so that I can honor God as I intended in doing this. Keeping it real (as I often say) which means showing off the good, bad and ugly.
I have opened up my thoughts and aspects of my life to show others that we are not always what we seem.
These are my myths:
I keep my home so clean and organized everyday. I never struggle to stay on a schedule. I never worry about the kids getting their homework done and having enough time for baseball or karate. My kids are always well behaved and I never raise my voice or freak out. I fix dinner every night and we always eat at the table as a family. The kids are always in bed by 8:30 and we read every night. I never fight with my husband. I could go on and on I'm sure. I will say that I strive to do right by my family but our life is not picture perfect.
Right now I am struggling with a new schedule that consists of working again a couple of days a week (YEA!), baseball which was added for Holden and has thrown a wrench into Logan's karate practice days. He was Tues. and Thurs. and now is Mon. and Wed. (Now I have something almost every night - I do NOT know how people do it that have their kids in more than one activity or have multiple kids in activities!) Matt is almost finished with tax time - YES! So I know this is temporary, but in this crazy moment I want to share pictures of what my house looks like these days. Enjoy!

I Do Believe I Was Just "Humored"!

You know how you're going along, being yourself and never thinking you could ever be a nuisance to anyone? No? Well then, pay attention to people because chances are someone has humored you. And I don't mean made you laugh, I mean tolerated a moment with you. One of my favorite shows of all time is Seinfeld. There is an episode where Jerry's mom can't believe that someone doesn't like Jerry and Jerry really can't believe it either. That is how I feel most of the time, like who couldn't like me? I'm funny, silly, happy (most of the time - at least as far as you know) and just an all around neat gal (if I do say so myself). Who knew that there are people out there who could care less?
Well, this realization happened to me the other day when I was chatting it up with someone and she just starts backing away and giving me that polite smile with the added "chuckle", and there I was thinking I'm so funny and charming. It was nothing I noticed right away. Things like this are subtle and oh-so nonchalant. But, come on - we've all been there. Someone starts talking to you and you're busy and really don't have time to chat, so you "humor" them for a sec while politely backing away until they get the hint. (Because you're too wimpy to just say - I'm busy, I can talk more later.) Well, I got the hint now you back-a-wayer!
To be fair, it may not be that I'm not liked, (although it's a definite possibility- who knows?) perhaps they just don't have time to hear me rattle on and on. Either way, now that I think about it, I'm fine with it - I am who I am. ( Got that piece of wisdom from Popeye.) Really though, I may not be everyone's cup of tea but that's OK with me.

Romans 8:31 - What then, shall we say in response to this? IF GOD IS FOR US, WHO CAN BE AGAINST US?

Take that whoever you are that doesn't like me past, present or future! (Although, I just can't imagine it!) :-)

Life is a Highway?

"Life is a highway... I want to ride it all night long." sings Rascal Flatts on the car radio. Holden loves this song and wants me to turn it up every time. I like this song too but let's face it - it's a load of bull.

My version: "Life is a highway... and then you take the wrong exit, drive down a scary street and have to lock all your doors, then you end up on some gravel road because you're night blind and you hit a few pot holes, so now you have a flat tire and have to call AAA... lalalalalala."

It's true but it's not as catchy.

My life has been a series of my version of that song. You're going along in life and you have to make a decision and sometimes you make the wrong one so it can get pretty scary, you then take measures to protect yourself but because you don't have the right tools, you end up worse off then ever. Now you find yourself stuck and finally you call on God.

I don't know how many times I've done this. You would think that after a few (quite a few) wrong exits or flat tires, I would learn to just keep God right there in the driver's seat while I enjoy the ride in the passenger's seat. I'm getting a little smarter, I have a membership with God's services and carry my card every day. It says:
"I sent My SON to die on a cross for you. I think I can handle this: call on ME."

Hey, does that mean Carrie Underwood is way smarter than Rascal Flatts? She sings "Jesus Take the Wheel." (I'm so clever.)

Hiding Places

MOM! MOM! MOM! MOOOOOOOM! One little word that said over and over again will lead me to need a hiding place. I have one too... my closet. It's a nice size but also cozy. It's located in my master bathroom and I can lock that door. I love being a wife and mother but there are those days when I feel like I can't take a breath. The daily routines in life can sometimes overwhelm me and I need just a few minutes of solace with God to calm me down so I can focus on what's important. I used to feel guilty about this but not anymore. It sounds strange and probably looks even stranger that a grown woman sits in her bedroom closet to get away from it all but I don't care. I've learned it's the only place in my house that "the others" won't bother me. (Probably because it is strange and they think I've lost it.) - Let them think whatever they want. It's what I call a preemptive strike so mom doesn't have to go to war.

I'm Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell's wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I'm... I'm the wart. She's my tumor. My... my growth. My... uh, my pimple.

I'm pretty vain. I don't think in an unhealthy way, just in the way that I don't want to look ugly. I enjoy my make-up, hair straightener, perfume and accessories. So, imagine my delight when in my 30's I discover adult acne. Adult CYSTIC acne. The whole phrase is ugly and when it shows up on your face, it is ugly. What makes it more difficult is the fact that I never had skin problems growing up.
So the other day I'm having breakfast with my mom and one of my sisters when I notice my mom looking at my zit. She says, "Is that a growth?" (Good lord mother, thanks.) She meant that she thought it was some sort of sun damaged mole growing on my face. Oh, lovely - that's much better. The make up I caked on it just made it look like a big GROWTH. Totally made me think of one of my favorite movies - Uncle Buck. (which is where my blog title came from) Now, as if the pulsating painful throbbing boil on my face wasn't making me self-conscious enough, now all I can think of is Uncle Buck throwing a quarter at me and telling me to "go have a rat gnaw that thing off my face."
I rushed out the other day and hunted down the ProActiv kiosk at Woodland Hills Mall. The advertisement on television looks good, Katy Perry tells how devastating her acne was to her until she discovered PROACTIV! It's $19.99 with FREE SHIPPING! But my growth is desperate and I can't wait for mail. So I get there and the kiosk girl shows me this "kit" that looks just like the one on TV... ONLY IT'S 10 TIMES SMALLER. When I mention this to her, she tells me it's actually larger than the one on TV. Huh? The one on TV is a 1 month supply and the kiosk version is a 2 month supply (and costs twice as much.) So, I leave. I'm deflated (my zit - not so much). What really chaps my growth is that someone like Katy Perry who can afford the munchkin bottles of zit zapper probably never has to pay a cent for it because she so poopular. That's ok, my cheapness paid off. I ended up finding this stuff at Walgreens's that ROCKS.

Ya know, I'm vain and will continue to be. I like looking nice - so what? I'm not unrealistic. I understand beauty fades and I strive everyday to look as nice on the inside as I do on the out. It's way more important to be beautiful on the inside anyway. This is another way God shows His sense of humor in life. If you ever depend on anything else more than Him, whether it's money, popularity or beauty, you will just feel empty inside.
Let's face it... we are all just a few years away from a hairy mole, gray hair and (thank heavens!) blurry vision. (But I wouldn't know anything about that.)

Pig House

This post is dedicated to my family of piggies.

I am employed as a stay at home mom. This means that I stay at home and keep it organized and clean and when the kids get out of school I have snacks waiting for them and we sit down and do homework and read, etc.(IN THEORY)

Don't get me wrong, I do plenty around here but as I sit and look around at my home sweet home, I can't help but think if I got paid for this that I would more than likely be fired. Which brings me to my problem - I don't get paid. This makes it easy for me to justify slacking off. I could sit here and rattle off all my excuses but the one I like best is that as soon as I get the house clean, I have destroyers running behind me and setting little bombs off all over the house. Clothes bombs, toy bombs, trash bombs, school work bombs, etc. This is valid, a valid reason why I am no longer a good housekeeper. Why bother when it will only get wrecked again?

Well, I suppose if for no other reason, than for my sanity. I really need to get my rear in gear and start my "Spring Cleaning". (When you say it like that - "Spring Cleaning", it sounds so refreshing. Like I could enjoy a nice glass of lemonade while I sort through things and tidy it all up. So housewifey of me.)

It's also hard to keep up with important papers from the boys' school. Got a phone call today from the cafeteria lady. She said, "Ms. Cornwell, are you aware that Holden owes $8.50 for school lunches?" Well, no, er uh, I - SO EMBARRASSING! And this is what prompted me to reflect on my piggy ways.
Phone calls from THE CAFETERIA LADY? OK, OK, I hear you God!
1 Corinthians 14:33
For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. As in all the churches of the saints,

Taking a Dip in the Shallow End

What a week I've had! Time for my shallow moments of the week rundown. Ok, so Logan has been sick with some sort of stomach virus for what has seemed like an eternity (4days). Hey! 4 days is an eternity with a sick kid staying home from school with the knowledge of the mountain of homework he will have to make up. Which brings me to my 1st shallow moment of the week: I'm worried for myself that I can be strong enough to encourage him to get through it AND help him with it if needed. Yes, I wasn't concerned for my child, that HE would have to endure the homework beast - but for myself. SHALLOW! Shallow moment numero dos: I had made a hair appointment for Friday thinking that surely Logan would be feeling better by then. So, imagine my shallow disappointment when he still had a fever the night before and I had to cancel my precious beauty time. I mean REALLY! Some chicks just can't catch a break. Oh how I am so ashamed of this shallow moment. My poor baby had a fever and I'm worried about my hair. Oh so very shallow indeed! You would think after that one that maybe I wouldn't be so tempted to wade my way back into the shallow end but alas, you would be wrong. Because my 3rd shallow moment would have to be getting extremely irritated about not getting to go on a date Saturday night and how this affects only me. Yes, not that my husband might enjoy some time out as well but only I, as an insignificant and neglected wife knows what it feels like to have hopes and plans dashed away. And finally, (though I think I'm giving myself too much credit but for the sake of finally ending this confession) my shallow moment #4: before church this morning (yes, church) I almost had a real live temper tantrum over my wardrobe, or lack thereof. It is really not a cliche that as a mom, you really don't get to go shopping and get to buy new duds to wear on ANY SORT OF BASIS, regular or otherwise. I think I have 5 shirts, 5 of which I've had for probably 5 years. So, yes... I almost threw a hissy fit this morning. I say almost only because I've realized from throwing past hissy fits that it doesn't do any good. I will still have the same 5 shirts and then I will have wasted the time I need to put on my old makeup some of which I've had for AWHILE.
Well, have I enjoyed my time in the shallow end? Yeah, a little bit - it's given me the opportunity to feel sorry for myself and that's very important in order to grow into a better person. If I never had these moments, I wouldn't recognize the self-centeredness that should be corrected. So, it's like job security for my soul.
And as I have said many times in my life: Thank you God for GRACE!

Pollyanna

Well, I try, I really do. It would be nice to have a sunny outlook on every single aspect of life. Life is such a blessing! Everyday is a gift and I am so grateful for everything and everyday God gives me. It would be nice to be able to keep up this attitude and never, ever feel sorry for myself or get tired of just stuff happening. Yes, it would be nice BUT HOW? I am looking at the tragedy in Japan and the wars being fought and I think to myself: "I have it amazingly good!" (And this is true) Then there are days like today when it seems like I just keep tripping on my own feet. I used to have this friend and we would say that our day just wasn't flowing. I suppose it's ok once in a while to have off days but what I'm trying to do is really keep things in perspective and I am trying, I really am. Within just the last few days, Matt's AND my car has ended up in the shop and it's never anything simple. But then I hear that little Pollyanna voice in my head say, "At least you have a car to fix." (I really want to slap that girl sometimes.) But she's right and I can't help but think of all those people that are losing their lives and families, and all of their belongings in these natural disasters or the men and women who sacrifice so much for my freedom. So, I'll try and keep all of this in mind when I'm extremely annoyed over the "little" things. I will, I really will.

"Oh Well!"

If you've ever had any misgivings about perfectionism it all gets cleared up when you become a mother. I have 2 boys, 2 wonderful and precious boys that depend on me and I'm afraid that is to their detriment at times. I can't count on both hands and feet how many times I forget about something either involving school or extra-curricular stuff like karate or baseball, etc. Today I was supposed to make up one of Logan's days of karate practice. It's in 10 minutes and I haven't even thought about it. I haven't even taken a shower yet much less get the boys ready, find his uniform, etc and there is obviously no way we're going to make it. "Oh well!" is one of my best and most intelligent comebacks when I've disappointed my children. (Excuse the sarcasm) Can't help it though, sarcasm saves my sanity.
Like I said, I have no misgivings that I'll ever be the perfect mom. That is an unattainable quality in parenting. I do believe that just knowing this is not enough, I make sure my boys know that even though I try, I still make mistakes. This way when they're blaming me for something later on in their adult lives, I have this as a kind of "disclaimer" to fall back on. I will continue to make more mistakes and they will continue to hear me say, "Oh well!" and I will never be the "perfect" mom but I will love them perfectly always and forever.

Toast & Marriage

I HATE making toast, specifically toast with jelly. It's messy and sticky and it mashes the bread when you spread it. It annoys me, so if I am ever making you toast(with jelly), you know I like you a whole bunch. What does making toast have to do with marriage? Well, there was a time in my marriage that if I was making Matt toast, I would stand there and cus him under my breath. I did it but I loathed it and at the time I don't think either of us had warm and fuzzy feelings for the other. Marriage is by far one of the hardest things I've ever done. I didn't have the greatest example of what a strong marriage was. My dad left when I was 9, right before my 10th birthday. My mom eventually remarried my step-dad and unfortunately he just wasn't the soft huggy-feely type. The short version: I had no idea what I was getting myself into when Matt and I got married. In the beginning, you get engaged and all is right with the world. You see hearts and flowers and little butterflies floating around your fiances' head. Later on you see tasers and pitchforks... But here's the deal that no one really shared with me - It's a commitment, through the hearts, through the pitchforks. There was a time in my marriage that I honestly didn't know if we would make it. We have both worked so hard and both understand now how much we would miss if we just gave up. It also wasn't just about us anymore. God gave us 2 beautiful boys that depend on us to show them how to succeed, and not giving up is huge. It's our job to give them the tools and be an example of what this looks like. I didn't have that luxury and therefore I tended to look for the easy way out and want to run baby, run. I realized with prayer and God's help that running would not solve anything and my children deserved much better from me. I've had people tell me that it looks like I have the perfect marriage. I like to think that now I have the most perfectly imperfect marriage and I am so satisfied with that. We work on us everyday, in little ways and big. I love him and now I don't hate making his toast with jelly - as much.

What Do You Mean I'm Not Perfect?

This notion that I should write about my imperfections all started with a Sunday morning message from my pastor. I blame him or maybe I should blame God, since that is where said message came from. He shared a personal story about a past sin and spoke of new beginnings with God. I thought about how all of us have our hang-ups, blemishes, past and future mistakes to always remind us of how IMperfect we are. This is why I am so thankful for God's grace. My whole life up to this point consisted of striving for perfection, and when I finally "got it" that this was a waste of time, well you can imagine what a relief it was. I used to sit in fear that someone wouldn't like me or that I was going to make someone mad if I ever had my own opinion or likes/dislikes that I woke up one day and didn't even know who I was. When I understood that I would never please everyone and that no matter how hard I could ever try to be what everyone wanted me to be, it wasn't going to happen. I wanted to share different scenarios in my life with others and since I had a blog and enjoyed writing on it, I figured I would give this a try. I feel like God wants me to show others that He loves us and is a God of new beginnings. We all do the best we can with what we know. Imperfect people moving through an imperfect world depending on a perfect God to be our guide.